Angel Of God My Guardian Dear

Angel of God, 

my Guardian dear, 

to whom His love commits me here, 

ever this day be at my side,

 to light and guard, to rule and guide. 

Amen.

On Christmas day, my wonderful grandmother, Gg, passed away. It was around 3:30 in the morning, and she was surrounded by my mother, my aunt, and myself. We sat there, telling her how much she was loved and how much we appreciated her until she took her final breath. I haven't written a post since she died, because I've needed time to figure out how to process it... and it's not the most uplifting post, but here goes..

The last two weeks of my Gg's life when I'd visit her for a quick stop before work, I'd hold her hands and we'd try relentlessly to remember the words of this prayer. We failed every time. Until finally, on Christmas morning at 1am before we were going to bed, I pulled out my iPhone and my mom and I said the prayer with Gg. In one sense, this memory has been haunting me since I finally went to bed on the 26th. 

My grandma taught me so many beautiful things in her life. She taught me how to love, how to ice skate, how to make the most epic brownies, how to play Rummy Kube, how to hold a pencil properly, how to keep my hair out of my face, how to say my bedtime prayers, and how to love Jesus. 

For years, I remember going up North with my parents and staying with my grandparents while my parents had their fun. The weekends were always the same, in the most beautiful way. We would arrive, watch the news and eat ice cream *and or brownies until 11, when we all (parents included) would go to bed. Saturday morning we would have an amazing breakfast and then my parents would leave. I would sit in the living room reading while my grandparents milled around the house, reading, cooking, baking, cleaning, doing whatever they wanted, we'd play RummyKube, and then head to Saturday evening mass at 4. We would stop at the grocery store to buy dinner groceries, a pack of IBC cream soda, and one nesquick chocolate milk, and then go back to the house where we would then promptly make dinner, eat and then go back to watching the news. At roughly 10:30 or 11, my grandma would tuck me into bed, and help me say my goodnight prayer. I wouldn't always fall asleep right away. I'd stay awake until I couldn't hear them talking anymore, and then I'd fall asleep, the cool night breeze blowing in through the open window snuggling with the famous Gg teddy bears. In the morning, my parents would come strolling in just in time for breakfast and we'd be on the road around lunch time. 

I was lucky. I have these clear memories of those visits. 

I also now have the clear memory of her last breaths. Of waking up and having my mom call me over, and sitting by her side as she passed away. Of my grandpa saying goodbye. Of my aunt and uncle, my parents, the lovely aides, and of my cousin and  I all saying our goodbyes. 

To see how much love surrounded her at her death, was amazing, beautiful and also extremely heartbreaking. To have watched such an amazing person die... was also so very heartbreaking. 

My mom called me strong, for making the choice to be there that night. Knowing she probably wouldn't make it through the night and decided to stay with her and my aunt. But, I stayed because I was afraid. I was afraid she would die and I would have been just across the street sleeping in my apartment. So close-- as I have been for over a year... the least I could do, since I didn't make enough of an effort to visit her frequently until the last two months... The least I could do was be there and help her know how much she was loved.