Holding Your Breath

When someone tells you that a person you love has few days left in their life, it's like a cruel joke. You don't want to say goodbye yet, because you're hoping for the best... but you can't bring yourself to pretend like the ticking clock isn't blaring in the back of your mind every waking second of the day. 

You go through the motions... admitting to yourself that it was a long life, happy, full of family, full of adventure... and then taking it back and saying you don't care how long it was-- what matters is the fact that it's ending. She's 91, a friend says, comforting you... and in your head you scream "Fuck off"... someone more insensitive tells you that you basically lost her five years ago when her memories faded away... and you imagine yourself punching them in the face. 

She's 91. But she's yours. She is the only one you've ever known. She is the one who taught you how to be fearless. She taught you that in order to make the BEST brownies on the planet, you have to put them in the fridge. She taught you how to pray-- not just recite a Hail Mary or two but really pray. To kneel down before your God and tell him your worst. To kneel down and humble yourself completely and beg your Father for forgiveness. 

At night, you hug yourself wrapped in the blanket she knit and sob your salty tears into the colorful blocks she worked so hard to perfectly stitch together. You swallow your tears when you walk past her teddy bears at your parent's house. You search frantically through all of your photos to find one that has her in it-- the way you want to remember her best, surrounded in love. 

You keep trying to pretend it's going to be okay, but somehow you're still breathless. There's no escaping it. There's no pretending it's not real, like she'll be the first person to live forever. You prepare yourself. You pray every prayer you know to beg it's painless. You pray every prayer you know for one more day, one more hour, one more hug. One last kiss. One last I love you. 

You pray, but you know it won't change it. You know she's dying, and you don't know the precise date and time, but you're holding your breath waiting. 

EnglishMajorWhoCan'tBreathe.