Clinically Insane

Yesterday was a weird day.

But first,  HELLO! I know I disappeared for awhile. I went on vacation. It was glorious. And then I got home, and so many things have happened since then.. and now I'm ready to write about it.

Vacation: 
I mean, besides just talking about how relaxing it is to get away and just be calm, I have to say by far my favorite part of vacation was golfing. On Father's Day, I got clubs from my dad (totally beats the Mountain Dew and cards he got from me...). So, on our trip we golfed! It was fantastic. Also, my amazing uncle decided to give me his really fancy looking driver, because I could hit better with it than he ever has... It was generous and also probably the coolest thing on the planet. He told me that he thought that I had legitimate potential if I actually practice and accept help.

Kid-Sitting:
The boys that I "sit" for don't like the phrase baby sitting since they're too old to be babies (totally reasonable logic). I left my vacation a little early to come home and hang out with the two COOLEST guys in town. They're the best. Seriously. I love them. H & T honestly make me remember how much I loved working with kids at the preschool, and I'm just always so amazed by the things they can do. T spent at minimum 30 minutes trying to construct a sling for a branch that had started to split and was hanging low. His goal was to avoid having to have it cut down because it's one of his favorites. In all honesty, I've always felt terrible accepting pay for "sitting" with them.. because I always leave feeling one thousand times better about the world. It's like, getting paid to go to therapy... but don't tell their mom. Getting charged to "sit" would really suck. I wouldn't be able to afford it.

Ovens, Garbage Disposals and Showers:
I broke the oven in our apartment... and by that.. I mean, it broke while I was using it. I didn't technically DO anything. Some part broke or something and now it doesn't stop heating... so it just reaches extremely dangerous temperatures and basically we just decided to leave it unplugged until maintenance comes to fix it. Just like the garbage disposal... which doesn't work. And.. my shower drain.. which doesn't drain.

It's not that the maintenance people suck at our apartment or anything.. but we have to make sure to lock up that cats when they get here so they don't escape. So.. it requires one of us to have the day off.. It also requires us to clean up the apartment.. which would be easier if any of us had consecutive days off.. because we could clean on one and then call the next.. but that's not likely... so it's grilling and microwaving for us for a little while!

Minnehaha Falls:
I had the pleasure of exploring the falls twice this past Tuesday, the first with Lukers, and the second with Spidey (codename..duh).

Luke and I waded in the Mississippi to get to the other side of the path in order to find these really awesome cave-like rock formations that were honestly one of the coolest things I've ever seen. We also followed the real path to find Bridges 1-5, except 3 was partially under water and 4-5 were both completely inaccessible. We then went to Fat Lorenzos for pizza (yum) and then later that evening I went back with Spidey.

We didn't do as much water-exploration because he was wearing jeans, but it was still a blast. We found a really intensely steep hill (which was almost completely comprised of dirt and giant rocks) which we proceeded to ascend. He took it much faster than I did... because I'm the uncoordinated idiot who trips over nothing... also, because I was in flip flops which have ZERO grip/tread. But, I successfully made it to the top without falling. Then... getting down. That was where it was terrifying. Spoiler: we're both alive. I didn't die going down. But I did decided it would be intelligent to remove the flip flops so that I could use my feet to grip the ground and not fall, roll, and then be plummeted into the river which is very high and very fast right now due to the flooding.

The best part of going back at night had to be the fact that walking towards the fall, on the trail, we saw fireflies... which to me are truly the best sign of summer. Also, the falls were lit up which... AWESOME.

Learning to Drive a Manual:
This happened the same night as the falls with Spidey. I have to say, it was always a dream that a boyfriend would be teaching me and I'd be dressed adorable and totally have my anxiety in check. But, without any of those things happening.. it was still incredible. And I'm so grateful to have been taught by the most patient and gracious person I have ever met. Spidey is legit the best teacher ever.

I killed the car quite a few times... but he was kind enough not to laugh (too much). Which.. was a positive change from him telling me he wanted to know what would happen if he pushed me into the river (I didn't mention that above). Don't worry, he's not a jerk.. He would jump after me if he did shove me in the river. That makes it better... right?

Anyways, I learned to drive a manual and then actually got to apply that education last night on his 21st birthday! It was pretty embarrassing. I killed the car when a stoplight turned green, and  hardcore struggled to get going... and by that, I mean, the light turned red before I was even 1/4 through the light. Then, I killed it at a stop sign, and it was embarrassing and probably hilarious to see from the outside.

Existential Crisis:
I had a dream the other night that I was sitting at a table having a cup of coffee with Jesus. He and I were fighting, as much as you can fight with the Son of God without being a terrible human being. I just wanted to know the plan. I wanted to know what he wanted me to be doing with my life. What is my vocation? What is my purpose? Am I called to be a wife and mother, dedicating my life to serving my family and sharing my faith with them? Am I called to be a servant for the Lord? Bringing the Word of God to people and showing them his Grace and love? What am I called to be? Why can't I just know if the choices I'm making now are the right ones, why is it so hard?

You know.. simple dream thoughts and questions that don't wreck your morning. NOT. Seriously, I've been struggling with these questions ever since the dream. He wouldn't give me the answers, which is pretty much expected, but in all honesty, I wish dream-Jesus could have given me a hint.

Mid-College (well...end of college) Crisis:
I'm going to graduate this year. What the heck am I going to do with my life? Is writing really what I want to do? Probably not. I hate journalism. I hate the idea of being dictated by what sells... and by that.. I mean, if I ever write a zombie romance, or werewolf/vampire story, I want someone to push me into the river. That's not my passion.
And really, I've been struggling with my passion. Am I really passionate about writing? I don't know. I kind of enjoy the blog, but really, I don't write creatively for fun anymore. It isn't fun. It sucks. And it's not like I don't have ideas or I'm stuck with writers block. I could write. I have about a thousand story ideas running through my brain but I don't WANT to write any of them. Not a single one.

What if I have wasted the past 3 years of college? What if I graduate only to realize I wish I had gone to school for Environmental studies, Political Science, Statistics, or any of the other majors I planned? What if I can't find a career I'm passionate about? I don't want to be destined to hating my job forever. I don't want to be chasing money, I'm chasing passion... but passion is evading me. I don't know how to make it stop.

Good Trees and Bad Trees:
I was reading the Gospel the other day and I found this:

Every good tree bears good fruit, but a bad tree bears bad fruit. A good tree cannot bear bad fruit, and a bad tree cannot bear good fruit. Every tree that cannot bear good fruit is cut down and thrown into the fire. Thus, by their fruit you will recognize them.

Matthew 7:17-20

I want to be a good tree. I want to bear good fruit. My goal henceforth is to work on myself. I want to be a good person. I want everything I do to reflect the kind of person I am. I know that lately, I've been doing really poorly. I have a hard time letting go of the surface stuff and letting the inner stuff shine through. I'm a happy person, normally. I am bubbly and friendly, but I have been so angry and frustrated with my life that I'm letting it all get to me. Everything. Stupid things. I need to work on being a better person, and helping to build up those around me. Helping them see how amazing they are, instead of being frustrated and caught up in my own issues.

Yesterday:
I laid on my living room floor for a solid 4 hours crying. I was so angry and frustrated with myself for not being the person I want to be, I was so scared and frustrated thinking about my future, so upset about all these big things, but what was weird... was I had stopped crying. Then, I started BAWLING. Like, tears, sobs, and everything unattractive about crying... because we don't have a waffle iron, and I want to make waffles. My roommate is telling me how she doesn't like appliances with a single dimension purpose, and I'm bawling because you can't make a waffle with out a waffle iron.. seriously. It was very strange. And I'm not proud.

So that was long. Congratulations if you made it through. Seriously.
I needed to explode. I hope you survived the blast.

TheClinicallyInsaneEnglishMajor.